Die keuse vir magteloosheid / opting for powerlessness

Ons lewe is ryk, vol baie gedagtes, aktiwiteite en ervaringe. Elk dag bring genoeg nuwe dinge. En tog, soos ‘n klippie in die skoen, kan ons lewe deur een ding gedryf word. Dit is soos om verlief te wees: alles om my word gekleur deur my gedagtes en my verbintenis met iemand vir wie ek lief is. Net so kan die kwaad in ons, sy skaduwee lank oor ons lewens gooi. Oral waar ons gaan, is ons bewus daarvan. Hoe ons ook al staan of kyk, ons weet van die skaduwee. Koning Dawid, die gunsteling van die Here, se sonde is “altyddeur” by hom (Ps.51:3)

Dit is een ding om in duisternis te beland. Om duisternis oor jouself te bring, is die ergste. ‘n Mens kom eers tot daardie punt dat jy regtig weet wat magteloosheid beteken as jy jou eie hand daaraan herken. Die duisternis kom van jou, jy kies daarvoor. Al weet jy van beter, al weet jy hoe sleg dit is vir ander en hoeveel seer dit kan maak, jy laat dit nie net toe nie – jy omarm dit. Dit word dan die grondtoon van jou lewe. Want die gevoel van onmag ondermyn alles wat ‘n mens doen. Ek is magteloos omdat ek magteloos wil wees.

Life is full of many different thoughts, activities and experience. But all the new, interesting and challenging aspects of life can be dominated or overshadowed by one simple thing. It is like being in love. Everything is coloured by a relationship with someone I love. Similarly evil casts a long shadow over my existence. It accompanies me, whatever I do, wherever I go. We know of it. It is a continuous presence, a disturbing companion. The sin of King Dawid, God’s favourite son, “is always before me” (Ps.51:3).

It is one thing to live in darkness. But to invite darkness into your life is the worst. You only understand powerlessness when you begin to realize how you bring it over yourself, how you opt for it. Despite the consequences, despite the sorrow it causes, you allow it and embrace it. One is truly powerless to stand up against it and move away from it. It is the fatal attraction. I am powerless, because I want to be powerless.

Onmag tot die lewe / powerless to live

Wanneer jy jou eie onmag in die oë kyk en as te ware jou eie maak, as dit tot jou deurdring dat jy niks in jou het waarmee jy jou ellende te bowe kan kom nie, is dit ‘n teken van ‘n egte verlange na die lewe. Jy het die blinkheid, die slimmigheid, die voorregte, selfs die liefde van mense om jou, maar jy weet die dieper donker vernietig die lewe in jou. Die duisternis, die onvermoë oorheers alles, dryf jou dag na dag en is soos ‘n knaende pyn wat alles wat jy doen aantas en affekteer. Jou lewe het buite beheer geraak, dikwels oor hierdie een knaende donker pyn wat jy in jou omdra. Om jou pyn jou eie te maak, is om uit te roep dat jy nie langer daarmee wil saamleef nie. Dit is tog nie waaroor die lewe gaan nie. Die egte lewe waarna jy verlang, egte, innerlike vervulling, is buite jou bereik.

Ek is in die donker, Here, ek het myself hier willens en wetens kom opsluit. Ek ken my oortredinge, my sonde is altyd voor my (Ps.51:3).

As you face your own powerlessness and embrace it, as you interiorize the deep feelings of despair about your inability to break loose, it is a sign of an authentic desire for life. I may be prosperous, gifted, even loved by others, but the darkness in me is destroying life. The somber realization that powerlessness resides in you, drives your inner being like a throbbing pain that affects all your deeds and thoughts. To feel the pain, is to call out to be without it. Life is not about suffering. One cries out for authentic life that brings real, inner fulfillment.

I am in darkness. I have incarcerated myself in this place of death. “For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me” (Ps.51:2)

Erkenning van eie onmag / admitting one's powerlessness

‘n Mens neem jou eie onmag waar. Jy sien dit keer op keer raak. Jy ervaar dit aan jou bas, aan eie lyf. En tog, al herken jy dit, weier jy om dit te erken. Want erkenning beteken dat jy verloor het. Jy is ‘n “loser.” ‘n Mens is te trots om dit toe te laat.

Om jou eie onmag te erken, beteken dat jy besef en aanvaar dat jy die onderspit gedelf het. Jy gooi die handdoek in. Jy sit in die hoek, verslae en oorwonne.

Vir soveel kere in jou lewe het jy allerhande slim argument gehad, mooi verskonings uitgedink, blaam uitgedeel, die vinger na ander gewys.

Maar as jy jou eie onmag insien en aanvaar, kyk jy diep in jou in ‘n groot duisternis vas. Ek het niks meer om op terug te val nie. Ek val weg in ‘n ewigheid van verlorenheid. Daar is geen veiligheidsnet wat ek gespan het, om my op te tel nie.

Jy aanvaar dus nie jou sondigheid, jou gebreke en jou foute nie. Jy loop dieper as dit, jy omhels as te ware jou totale onvermoë om jou sonde te bowe te kom. Jy weet nou – selfs my slimmighede, my goedpraat van my eie slegtheid, my verskonings vir my leefstyl, dit is tekens van en bevestig net my eie onmag.

One observes your own powerlessness. Time and again you fail. You experience your fallibility. And yet, event though you recognize it, you do not acknowledge it, because acknowledgement implies defeat. You are a loser. And one is too proud to acknowledge.

To acknowledge your own powerlessness, means that you understand and accept that you have been defeated. You give up. You are in your corner, having been counted out.

So many times you had your neat excuses, your ingenious rationalizations, you played the blaming game, pointed the finger to others.

But as you acknowledge your own powerlessness and embrace it, you look deep into an abyss. I have nothing more to fall back on. Nothing from within me can now save me.

One does not accept your sinfulnees, your failures and your mistakes. It goes much deeper than that. Acknowledging your powerlessness, means embracing your complete inability to overcome the darkness in which you have come to live. You realize, even my brightest answers, my rationalization, my excuses, they are all just bad examples of my own powerlessness.

Eie onmag / On understanding one's own powerlessness

Jy het al die wysheid, meriete, prestasie, reputasie, die materiële voorspoed, die kontakte, die tegnologie wat jou ‘n organiseerder maak, ‘n bestuurder, ‘n bekwame mens. Jy kan deur die vinger te klap, dinge gedoen kry.

En tog is jy magteloos. Inherent verslaaf aan ‘n vernietigende mag. Jy het nie raad daarteen nie. Niks in jou help jou om dit te oorwin nie. Jy word telkens daardeur verslaan. In jou dra jy die wete dat dit van jou ‘n slegte mens gemaak het. Niemand kan jou uit die modder laat opstaan nie. Jy het nie die vermoë om jouself uit die greep daarvan los te ruk nie. Jy ontbeer enige innerlike vermoë om dit te oorkom. Jy kan nie ‘ n vinger optel om bo-oor dit uit te styg nie.

Paulus het ook gepraat van al sy groot prestasies. Hy het gepraat van al die “vleeslike” dinge, die konkrete prestasies wat sy ou lewensloop so blink laat uitsien het. En tog het hy op die punt gekom dat hy besef het die dinge was nie vir hom wins nie. Sy lewe is beskadig daardeur. Wat vir hom voorheen wins was, het hy op ‘n dag berouvol besef, is nou vir hom iets waaroor hy hom kwel, waaroor hy skaam is. Dit het hom in ‘n ystergreep vasgeknel. (Fil.3). Hy het nie die krag van Christus en sy opstanding nie geken (Fil.3:10)! Hy weet, in die ou tyd, gedurig wel van sy eie onmag.

God het gewag, geduldig gewag, en hom by hierdie punt gebring. Hy kon nie tot die lewe kom op eie krag nie.

To be wise, to be so meritorious, so successful, with a grand reputation, lacking nothing, networking with the influential, able to pick up a gadget and let the world know you are in charge. Just the flick of a finger, and things get organized. A powerful person.

And yet, one arrives at the point where you understand that you have no real power over the Enemy within you. You lack wisdom, you have no inherent quality that helps you to resist it, not one of your contacts or friends can liberate you from it. You realize that you fail repeatedly, always sinking deeper in the spiral of evil. You lack the inherent power to break free.

Paul speaks of all his great deeds and achievements. They, he came to understand at the deepest and lowest point of his life, were the “rubbish” that cluttered his life (Phil.3:8). He had all that one could wish for, he had won the world. But he was at the same time, a loser. He lacked real power (Phil.3:10).

That was the moment God waited for. Paul had to realise: authentic life is granted, not grabbed or earned.

Fame or love? On the greatest gift of all.

The Dutch tennis player, Sluiter, a well know professional who participated regularly on the world circuit has announced his retirement from professional tennis. He thus joins many others before him – yet his announcement is to some degree unusual. In recent years, he said, he discovered that he lacked the motivation to resume his career after his holidays. He describes himself as a person of feelings, of emotions, who was aware of the cold, often lonely life of the professional tennis circuit. Yet he is someone who is part of a warm, close family that care for relationships. During the serious illness of a family member some time ago, he valued this more than ever before. For two weeks he cried and struggled about her in her illness. Her sickbed made him experience life from a completely different perspective. Though he continued playing tennis for the sake of his family and his ill niece, he fell completely out of touch with himself. As a result he experienced an enormous backlash later on.

We are truly happy not because we have family, I gather from listening to Sluiter talking about his touching insight. But because our family and friends provide us with warmth, closeness, a sense of belonging, of being cared for. Even more, we are truly happy because we can, when it really matters, abandon all our “busy-ness,” our “important” activities, our significant life, for what really matters: to be with people we love. To care for them is even better than to receive it from them.

Sometimes we need to be traumatized in order to understand that our hearts cry out to be with others. If we leave this cry unanswered because of our busy programme and great responsibilities, we sell ourselves to more loneliness and lovelessness.

There is nothing greater than love.